Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Malcolm X

Malcolm X was an Islamic, political-type nigra who lived no more than 99 years ago. He did a lot of important things for black people, and they turned around and shot him in the back.

Is his younger years Malcolm went by his original name, Malcolm Little, and was sort of a reverse wigger. He would use some crazy shit to straighten and lighten his hair, making him look somewhat like a really dark ginger. Noone knows why he would want to take a step further down the racial ladder, however, some argue that he didn't quite feel black enough. He used to sell weed, hustle, and burglarize peoples houses, but they eventually came back to bite him in the ass.

One day in jail he basically got bored, so Malcolm decided that it would be fun to troll on everybody in the mess hall. That day, he refused to eat bacon that was being served for breakfast, claiming that he was Muslim, and that it was against his religion. He protested, saying that he was being discriminated against, and started throwing a general fit, despite the fact that nobody was really forcing him to eat the bacon in the first place. After that, he just kind of went with the whole Islam thing, and started reading the Koran, maybe to avoid looking like an even bigger asshat.

Some have a different theory on why he refused the bacon. Malcolm was being served man-meat in his cell and decided that it was time to politely decline by claiming he was Muslim.

By the time Malcolm finally got out of jail, he decided that it was time to start focusing his trolling efforts on whitey. He also changed his name to X at this time, as the dick jokes had become just unbearable. He joined up with a guy named Elijiah Muhammad and his Nation of Islam and their protests against racism and oppression. Malcolm started appearing on TV, pwning white ppl left, right, and center, and generally pissing everyone off. Essentially, his job in the Civil Rights Movement amounted to appearing so extreme, that MLK looked like Amos and Andy in comparison. Sadly, one day it was revealed that Elijiah was fucking his secretary, not exactly fitting behavior for a man of the cloth. Malcolm later left the Nation of Islam out of embarrassment. .

On the night of September 7, 1966, Malcolm X attended the Mike Tyson - Bruce Seldon boxing match at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. After leaving the match, one of his associates spotted 21 year-old Orlando "Baby Lane" Anderson, in the MGM Grand lobby and immediately rushed Anderson and knocked him to the ground. X's entourage, as well as Suge Knight and his followers assisted in assaulting Anderson. The fight was captured on the hotel's video surveillance. A few weeks earlier, Anderson and a group of Crips robbed a member of Death Row's entourage in a Foot Locker store, precipitating X's onset. After the brawl, X went to rendezvous with Suge to go to Death Row-owned Club 662 (now known as restaurant/club Seven). He rode in Suge's 1996 black BMW 750i sedan as part of a larger convoy with some of X's friends, Outlawz, and bodyguards.

At about 11:10 p.m., while stopped at a red light at Flamingo Road near the intersection of Koval Lane in front of the Maxim Hotel, a vehicle occupied by two women pulled up on their right side. X, who was standing up through the sunroof, exchanged words with the two women, and invited them to go to Club 662. At approximately 11:15 p.m., a white, four-door, late-model, Cadillac driven by unknown person(s) pulled up to the sedan's right side, rolled down one of the windows, and rapidly fired around twelve to thirteen shots at X. He was struck by four rounds; one hit him in the chest, the pelvis, and his right hand and thigh. One of the rounds apparently ricocheted into X's right lung.Suge was hit in the head by shrapnel, though it is thought that a bullet grazed him. According to Suge, a bullet from the gunfire had been lodged in his skull, but medical reports later contradicted this statement.

Years later, Malcolm was used to sell tons of bootleg T-shirts and "X" hats to dumb niggers, who have no idea what it really is. Occasionally, you will see members of other races wearing this attire to seem edgy, or politically aware, kind of like the negro equivalent of a Che Guevara shirt. If you should come across any of these individuals IRL, it is recommended that you murder them immediately.

Fun Facts
* When he was younger, he was thought of as his elementary school class's official mascot. Kind of like the class hamster.
* According to Malcolm, the perfect age for a man's bride is 1/2 his age, plus seven. It should be noted that Muhammad himself was waaay off on this one.
* When he was younger, Malcolm preferred the white wiminz. It's all in his Autobiography.

Friday, June 27, 2008

They see my Trollin!

Top 48 Examples of Stereotypes

# All Blacks are poor and have AIDs.
# All Jews enjoy money.
# All Asians are all geniuses named "Ching Chang".
# All Japanese are technology-loving sick fucks.
# All Mexicans eat beans.
# All Whites are racist.
# All Muslims are suicide bombers.
# All Christians are crazy warmongers.
# All Your base are belong to us.
# All English people shit the queen.
# All Americans are hypocrites.
# All Canadians live in igloos and drink bagged milk.
# All Europeans have inferiority complexes and are stupid.
# All Australians throw shrimp on their barbies.
# All New Zealanders love to assrape sheep.
# All Irish people are always drunk.
# All French people are pussies.
# All Dutch people are stoned.
# All German people are always angry. "REIMENSCRHAIMEN!"
# All Russian people are communists.
# All gay men are fabulous and talk like thith.
# All Blacks can sing.
# All lesbians are butch and ugly. (The hot ones only exist in movies.)
# All straight men are fat, unkempt wife-beaters.
# All women are anorexic dumbassed whores.
# All politicians are crooked
# All nerds are virgins
# All models are anorexic.
# All Furries are disgusting perverts who yiff to shitty artwork and gay fanfic.
# All contestants on the apprentice are conniving two-faced fucktards.
# All Fat chicks are sluts who like to suck cock.
# All Feminists are Lesbians.
# All Blacks make good astronauts.
# All Blacks emit ghost semen.
# All gays can fly or hover at low heights but choose not to.
# All gays are gay because they looked directly into the Aurora Borealis.
# All Puerto Ricans are lousy fishermen due to their rivalry with the cuttlefish.
# All whites die if they consume 2x their daily protein value.
# All Jews enjoy circus peanuts.
# All devianTART members fail at art
# All fan fiction is shitty yaoi written by 16 year old girls.
# All lazers are charged
# All Japanese are sick fucks
# All Armenians are hairy and smell like shit
# All Swedes are inbred suicidal perverts (this is infact true)
# All Mexicans are lazy and sleep all day
# All Danish people are the canadians of europe

Stereotypes can be used very effectively against anyone who is easily offended or is prone to snap judgements. Leading with a stereotype to produce an artful response that can be easily picked apart is one of the basic ways of trolling to produce internet drama.

Stereotypes are also VERY useful, sometimes you don't have enough time to find out whether a certain nigger you meet loves fried chicken. So, you assume that they all do(this is actually very close to fact). However, there is a small chance you may meet a straight Jew, smart Mexican, useful women, or whatever, but that's a risk you must take.

How to be a Troller.

Existing stereotypes are all well and good, but to truly start an internet shit storm, you'll need a weapon never before seen, and that would be a 'new' stereotype.

- Pick some manner of racial, ethnic, religious, locational, or special interest group; an overdeveloped sense of self-importance is essential for this, and a casual disregard for others also helps.

- Once you have your popular trait, recklessly exaggerate it, generalize it to all people of this group, and pompously state it as dogma in the presence of as many of your target audience as possible. Three distinct internets users is the bare minimum. They will get offended, everybody who is their internet buddy will get offended, and all the rebels without a cause will get offended

Monday, June 2, 2008

Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul

Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Why i hate House

Writers for the show begin each work day by opening to a random page in a dictionary of rare medical anomalies and slamming one finger down on the page while blindfolded. Then they open a book of madlibs and giggle shit themselves to death because the script is actually been done before with said rare disease replaced every episode.

The TV show revolves around a crippled, bitter, misanthropic, Vicodin addicted shaman, Gregory House M.D. and his team of 1337 disease h4x0rs at a New Jersey hospital. House's original team consisted of Foreman, Chase, and Cameron, but they all quit or were fired at the end of the 3rd season. However, they continue to lurk moar around the hospital and occasionally pop-up in episodes. House then rounded up a group of potential victims to fill the vacant spots and trolled the fuck out of them like they were on Survivor. In the end, House decided to keep #13, because she fills Cameron's role as the hot chick on his team, Kumar Kutner, because he occasionaly does something lulzy like electrocute himself or set a patient on fire, and some other guy named Taub, probably because the actor who plays the character felated the producers. Additionally, Foreman is back on the team, most likely due to affirmative action. His boss, Dr. Cuddy, is a pro-ana 16 year old girl pretending to be a 45-year-old woman who won't let House hit it.

Then there's House's best friend and the sole voice of reason at the hospital, Dr. Wilson, whose personal life is moar fucked up than all the others combined because he's the sole voice of reason at a loony bin he's a jew. In case anyone missed the spoiler in the pilot, they made it easy to remember by giving him the full name James Evan Wilson. Recently, Wilson has taken up (Amber), a minor character, and one of the losing contestants in House's reality show used to replace his old team LOL DEAD.

Basic Episode Summary

1. As House is sitting in his office railing a few lines of coke, Foreman runs in and tells him that yet ANOTHER patient with a super-ultra rare one in a million foreign disease has just come in. House rolls his eyes, and continues to snort until Chase and Cameron tell him it's serious.
2. House hobbles his way into the ER while taking some Vicodin and demands answers like a hard boiled cop, threatening to cut off his/her life supply if they lie to him; this usually results in him abusing the patient until they go into a massive seizure. At this point House throws up his hands and goes back to his office to play Metroid or Pokemon on his Gameboy advance. Several times between steps 2-4, the patient will appear to be cured, but suddenly develop another fucking symptom.
3. House wanders the hospital after clinic duty deeply annoyed, looking for Morphine to inject into his frontal lobe. On his way, a colleague walks alongside him as they discuss the patient or personal lives, all whilst using complex medical terms that no one understands. This is also known as the "Chat walk."
4. House sends his team to break into the patient's house to look for clues. This part is riddled with inaccuracies, such as how the white people know so much about breaking into houses, or how they never find a wife in the kitchen.
5. Dr. Cuddy storms into House's office, giving him a bunch of shit about how he's not following protocol, endangering the patients' lives, and how she will have him fired. House basically responds to this guilt trip by telling her "TITS OR GTFO" and proceeds to throttle her with his pimpcane. She then bans him from touching the patient, and he goes and cries to Wilson, who says some random-ass shit that he connects with some random-ass disease. Then he takes some more Vicodin.
6. Severely pissed off, House punches his way in to the ER and tries a bunch of super-drastic last-ditch efforts to save the patient like injecting 15cc's of semen directly into the spine and the occasional shocker to try to resuscitate the patient. The patient finally comes back to life and instead of thanking the doctors, they thank God. House tells the patient and his butthurt medical team to STFU, while limping out of the place. More Vicodin in the meantime.
7. House is back in his office raiding the pill cabinet and injecting heroin into his dick, as some song that was mentioned in or somehow relates to the episode, plays in the background.

--Roll Credits--

Donnie Darko Sequel Must be stopped!

Well this movie just added two more names to the roster. How about Oscar nominated Jake Gyllenhaal? Nope. Or how about Golden Globe nominated Maggie Gyllenhaal? Wrong again. Maybe, uh, Oscar nominated Mary McDonnell? Nope, these are two brand new cast members not featured in the original film.

So what “talented” duo of actors were hired? Elizabeth Berkley, who many remember from Saved by the Bell and Showgirls, and Briana Evigan, who was in Step Up 2: The Streets, have boarded the Darko sequel/spinoff. According to THR, Berkley is playing “a speed freak-turned-Jesus freak whose sentiments about ridding the world of its exponential sin are rivaled only by her infatuation with her dreamy pastor.” They will join the already announced cast of Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl, Justin Chatwin (The Chumscrubber), and Daveigh Chase (Donnie Darko) in Utah where production has already begun.

The sequel picks up seven years after the first film and Donnie’s death when his now 18-year-old sister Samantha Darko (hence the title S. Darko), and her best friend Corey go on a roadtrip to Los Angeles, where along the way they are plagued by bizarre visions. Yeah, nothing about this movie sounds good.

For people who have forgotten what the orginal movie was about then here it is -

Donnie Darko is a David Lynch-wannabe movie about a fucked up kid, played by indie darling Jake Gyllenhaal, who talks to a rabbit, has daytime hallucinations, and might be psychic or some shit like that.

The movie almost immediately gained a cult following, especially among teenagers, largely due to the name "Darko" and due to the film's insane amount of pretentiousness. Of course, since many Darko faggots use LiveJournal, dozens of Donnie Darko-related communities popped up. Hundreds of LJ users have Donnie Darko-inspired names and are devoted to their favorite movie. Any criticism of the film is taken to heart, and they will react violently.

Detractors will often be berated by fanboys who say "YOU DIDN'T GET IT! IT WAS DEEP! etc." Because we all know how deep a movie is when they've got a guy putting his hand down his pants and thinking about Christina Applegate.

A favorite of scene, emo, goth, anime freaks, and various other teenager subcultures. Asking any of the above to explain what the fuck the film is about, or indeed asking anyone at all will result in so much utter confusion and pain that their heads will explode, even if they have a perfect internal explanation of it. The entire film is what would happen if Yoko Ono and Steven Spielberg got really high and looked at a box of Nesquik while brainstorming film ideas, and let's face it, it probably is.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


After releasing the shining achievement that was the Xbox 360 to the public, Microsoft thought that they weren’t having enough cash sucked out of their assholes, and decided to create the shit colored (and filled) music player called the Zune. Microshaft seems to be under the impression that the Zune is an iPod killer. This might have something to do with Billy Gates’ noggin’ being filled with Steve Job’s man mustard. Mmm, business. The Zune comes in four different colors; Psychopath White, Fall Out Boy Black, Scat Lover's Brown, and Homoerotic Pink. They also came out with Bloodshead Red last weekend or something. Another color for the scene fucks!

Why the Zune Sucks

Because Bill Gates has a fetish for busted hardware, the Zune launched with many problems. Zune has an utterly useless feature that lets you beam songs to other Zune users, since the only people in the world who own a Zune are Bill Gates, Tycho from Penny Arcade, and Your Mom. You can only keep the songs for '3 days or 3 plays', which might be a result of all Zune users having shitty tastes in music. The Zune also has a series of useless Firmware updates, which have still yet to make the Zune any less shitty. We'd keep you posted, but it's already a lost cause. I mean, the damn thing doesnt even have a fucking clock

The software got an update! Now it fucks up your library and puts fucking Green Day album art on ALL your music!

The Zune and Bricking

Like many Microsoft products, It is not compatible with other Microsoft products and it's said to have a form of some STD, acquired when linking the Zune to its incestuous cousin, the 360 (stick it in my USB slot baby! oh yeah, deeper~). It's said that the 360 acquired this STD after Bill Gates decided that the Memory Card slot looked oddly like a vagina at the time, due to massive amounts of cocaine dancing around in his brain.

The best way to restore your Zune is to press back and up on the Dpad until Satan is spawned from hell and shits out another one from his ass.

Grunge and why it annoys me.

Created at least 100 years ago by fucktards with flannelette shirts, grunge was sucked mainly out of the heroin ridden music scene of Seattle. The typical band was signed mainly from the chances that one member would become an hero by injecting himself with large quantities of drugs or shotgun mouthwash, so that the music moguls could bank a few extra albums after the subsequent neverending media coverage. This eventually became truth, since Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley's suicides brought a spike in album sales shortly after their rotting corpses were found and long after people stopped giving a shit about their music.

The fad eventually was replaced by late 90's college rock derivatives such as Creed, Blues Traveler, Green Day, and Dave Matthews Band, and eventually grandfathered emo, another shitty punk movement playing on teen angst from a new generation.

Grunge Bands

Nirvana - Comprised of Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl, and a few other interchangeable failures nobody cares about. Nirvana spearheaded the grunge movement by releasing one half-ass album, Bleach, followed by that album with a baby penis on the cover. They were well-known for screaming the "generation defining" song Smells Like Teen Spirit, smashing their guitars over stadium equipment at the end of concerts, and having a lead singer who blew his fucking head off.

Pearl Jam - This turd floated to the top of the musical punch bowl after a video depicting a boy shooting all of his classmates was aired continuously for three straight months on MTV. Since they did not have a member who ended up injecting himself with Drano like the rest of the bands, they are still together today, releasing albums with increasingly political messages. Their biggest hit was actually their cover "Last Kiss," a song of win due to depicting teen lovers crashing and dying in a fire.

Alice in Chains - These faggots made their living singing about the joys of heroin. Although singer Layne Staley enjoyed the treat of dying alone and not having his corpse found until someone noticed that he was missing TWO WEEKS after he died, guitarist Jerry Cantrell continues to make solo albums made of win and awesome. This band recently reformed with a negro singer, and can be found playing to massive crowds comprised of dozens of old grunge fans.

Soundgarden - Soundgarden enjoyed the privilege of having a screeching lead singer who ruined otherwise decent lyrics and songs. After failing to stick together, Chris Cornell ended up attempting to duck his shitty past by fronting Audioslave, while the other members likely shot themselves out of sheer embarrassment. Their biggest hit, Black Hole Sun, has a video depicting a young girl with melted vanilla ice cream flowing suggestively from her mouth.

Rolling Old Grunge Fans

Fans of the movement still somehow exist today, and are typically found sitting in a circlejerk on numerous forums about their favourite bands from fifteen years ago. Making the following suggestions to these sensitive people is guaranteed to produce a srys reaction full of anger, drama, and victory:

* Claim that emo is the rightful heir to grunge faggotry. Old fans deny that the fail of emo is in any way like their own generic music, even though tons of scene kids wear Kurt Cobain shirts in recognition that "Kurt is the pained grandfather of their movement".

* State the fact that the popularity of grunge was due uniquely to corporate faggotry and neverending MTV video replays.

* Say that Kurt Cobain killed himself, since many fans still think that Courtney Love hired somebody to do it and made the scene look like a setup.

* Point out that forum threads from members asking for Eddie Vedder to pat their pregnant belly are insane, and that people who collect shitloads of cruddy audience recordings of decades-old concerts are fucking creepy.

* Accuse Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video of prompting the Columbine and VTECH shootings.

* Tell about how fun you think it is that Chris Cornell became Rage Against the Machine's new lead singer.

* Direct them to this article.