Sunday, May 25, 2008


After releasing the shining achievement that was the Xbox 360 to the public, Microsoft thought that they weren’t having enough cash sucked out of their assholes, and decided to create the shit colored (and filled) music player called the Zune. Microshaft seems to be under the impression that the Zune is an iPod killer. This might have something to do with Billy Gates’ noggin’ being filled with Steve Job’s man mustard. Mmm, business. The Zune comes in four different colors; Psychopath White, Fall Out Boy Black, Scat Lover's Brown, and Homoerotic Pink. They also came out with Bloodshead Red last weekend or something. Another color for the scene fucks!

Why the Zune Sucks

Because Bill Gates has a fetish for busted hardware, the Zune launched with many problems. Zune has an utterly useless feature that lets you beam songs to other Zune users, since the only people in the world who own a Zune are Bill Gates, Tycho from Penny Arcade, and Your Mom. You can only keep the songs for '3 days or 3 plays', which might be a result of all Zune users having shitty tastes in music. The Zune also has a series of useless Firmware updates, which have still yet to make the Zune any less shitty. We'd keep you posted, but it's already a lost cause. I mean, the damn thing doesnt even have a fucking clock

The software got an update! Now it fucks up your library and puts fucking Green Day album art on ALL your music!

The Zune and Bricking

Like many Microsoft products, It is not compatible with other Microsoft products and it's said to have a form of some STD, acquired when linking the Zune to its incestuous cousin, the 360 (stick it in my USB slot baby! oh yeah, deeper~). It's said that the 360 acquired this STD after Bill Gates decided that the Memory Card slot looked oddly like a vagina at the time, due to massive amounts of cocaine dancing around in his brain.

The best way to restore your Zune is to press back and up on the Dpad until Satan is spawned from hell and shits out another one from his ass.

Grunge and why it annoys me.

Created at least 100 years ago by fucktards with flannelette shirts, grunge was sucked mainly out of the heroin ridden music scene of Seattle. The typical band was signed mainly from the chances that one member would become an hero by injecting himself with large quantities of drugs or shotgun mouthwash, so that the music moguls could bank a few extra albums after the subsequent neverending media coverage. This eventually became truth, since Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley's suicides brought a spike in album sales shortly after their rotting corpses were found and long after people stopped giving a shit about their music.

The fad eventually was replaced by late 90's college rock derivatives such as Creed, Blues Traveler, Green Day, and Dave Matthews Band, and eventually grandfathered emo, another shitty punk movement playing on teen angst from a new generation.

Grunge Bands

Nirvana - Comprised of Kurt Cobain, Dave Grohl, and a few other interchangeable failures nobody cares about. Nirvana spearheaded the grunge movement by releasing one half-ass album, Bleach, followed by that album with a baby penis on the cover. They were well-known for screaming the "generation defining" song Smells Like Teen Spirit, smashing their guitars over stadium equipment at the end of concerts, and having a lead singer who blew his fucking head off.

Pearl Jam - This turd floated to the top of the musical punch bowl after a video depicting a boy shooting all of his classmates was aired continuously for three straight months on MTV. Since they did not have a member who ended up injecting himself with Drano like the rest of the bands, they are still together today, releasing albums with increasingly political messages. Their biggest hit was actually their cover "Last Kiss," a song of win due to depicting teen lovers crashing and dying in a fire.

Alice in Chains - These faggots made their living singing about the joys of heroin. Although singer Layne Staley enjoyed the treat of dying alone and not having his corpse found until someone noticed that he was missing TWO WEEKS after he died, guitarist Jerry Cantrell continues to make solo albums made of win and awesome. This band recently reformed with a negro singer, and can be found playing to massive crowds comprised of dozens of old grunge fans.

Soundgarden - Soundgarden enjoyed the privilege of having a screeching lead singer who ruined otherwise decent lyrics and songs. After failing to stick together, Chris Cornell ended up attempting to duck his shitty past by fronting Audioslave, while the other members likely shot themselves out of sheer embarrassment. Their biggest hit, Black Hole Sun, has a video depicting a young girl with melted vanilla ice cream flowing suggestively from her mouth.

Rolling Old Grunge Fans

Fans of the movement still somehow exist today, and are typically found sitting in a circlejerk on numerous forums about their favourite bands from fifteen years ago. Making the following suggestions to these sensitive people is guaranteed to produce a srys reaction full of anger, drama, and victory:

* Claim that emo is the rightful heir to grunge faggotry. Old fans deny that the fail of emo is in any way like their own generic music, even though tons of scene kids wear Kurt Cobain shirts in recognition that "Kurt is the pained grandfather of their movement".

* State the fact that the popularity of grunge was due uniquely to corporate faggotry and neverending MTV video replays.

* Say that Kurt Cobain killed himself, since many fans still think that Courtney Love hired somebody to do it and made the scene look like a setup.

* Point out that forum threads from members asking for Eddie Vedder to pat their pregnant belly are insane, and that people who collect shitloads of cruddy audience recordings of decades-old concerts are fucking creepy.

* Accuse Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video of prompting the Columbine and VTECH shootings.

* Tell about how fun you think it is that Chris Cornell became Rage Against the Machine's new lead singer.

* Direct them to this article.