Sunday, June 1, 2008

Why i hate House

Writers for the show begin each work day by opening to a random page in a dictionary of rare medical anomalies and slamming one finger down on the page while blindfolded. Then they open a book of madlibs and giggle shit themselves to death because the script is actually been done before with said rare disease replaced every episode.

The TV show revolves around a crippled, bitter, misanthropic, Vicodin addicted shaman, Gregory House M.D. and his team of 1337 disease h4x0rs at a New Jersey hospital. House's original team consisted of Foreman, Chase, and Cameron, but they all quit or were fired at the end of the 3rd season. However, they continue to lurk moar around the hospital and occasionally pop-up in episodes. House then rounded up a group of potential victims to fill the vacant spots and trolled the fuck out of them like they were on Survivor. In the end, House decided to keep #13, because she fills Cameron's role as the hot chick on his team, Kumar Kutner, because he occasionaly does something lulzy like electrocute himself or set a patient on fire, and some other guy named Taub, probably because the actor who plays the character felated the producers. Additionally, Foreman is back on the team, most likely due to affirmative action. His boss, Dr. Cuddy, is a pro-ana 16 year old girl pretending to be a 45-year-old woman who won't let House hit it.

Then there's House's best friend and the sole voice of reason at the hospital, Dr. Wilson, whose personal life is moar fucked up than all the others combined because he's the sole voice of reason at a loony bin he's a jew. In case anyone missed the spoiler in the pilot, they made it easy to remember by giving him the full name James Evan Wilson. Recently, Wilson has taken up (Amber), a minor character, and one of the losing contestants in House's reality show used to replace his old team LOL DEAD.

Basic Episode Summary

1. As House is sitting in his office railing a few lines of coke, Foreman runs in and tells him that yet ANOTHER patient with a super-ultra rare one in a million foreign disease has just come in. House rolls his eyes, and continues to snort until Chase and Cameron tell him it's serious.
2. House hobbles his way into the ER while taking some Vicodin and demands answers like a hard boiled cop, threatening to cut off his/her life supply if they lie to him; this usually results in him abusing the patient until they go into a massive seizure. At this point House throws up his hands and goes back to his office to play Metroid or Pokemon on his Gameboy advance. Several times between steps 2-4, the patient will appear to be cured, but suddenly develop another fucking symptom.
3. House wanders the hospital after clinic duty deeply annoyed, looking for Morphine to inject into his frontal lobe. On his way, a colleague walks alongside him as they discuss the patient or personal lives, all whilst using complex medical terms that no one understands. This is also known as the "Chat walk."
4. House sends his team to break into the patient's house to look for clues. This part is riddled with inaccuracies, such as how the white people know so much about breaking into houses, or how they never find a wife in the kitchen.
5. Dr. Cuddy storms into House's office, giving him a bunch of shit about how he's not following protocol, endangering the patients' lives, and how she will have him fired. House basically responds to this guilt trip by telling her "TITS OR GTFO" and proceeds to throttle her with his pimpcane. She then bans him from touching the patient, and he goes and cries to Wilson, who says some random-ass shit that he connects with some random-ass disease. Then he takes some more Vicodin.
6. Severely pissed off, House punches his way in to the ER and tries a bunch of super-drastic last-ditch efforts to save the patient like injecting 15cc's of semen directly into the spine and the occasional shocker to try to resuscitate the patient. The patient finally comes back to life and instead of thanking the doctors, they thank God. House tells the patient and his butthurt medical team to STFU, while limping out of the place. More Vicodin in the meantime.
7. House is back in his office raiding the pill cabinet and injecting heroin into his dick, as some song that was mentioned in or somehow relates to the episode, plays in the background.

--Roll Credits--

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